Dungeon Crawler
by Vindictus
Summary: Yes, another fic. Naruto finds an odd shop while being chased by some chunnin shortly after the 'mizuki incedent'. read to find out more. READ AUTHORS NOTES!
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer- I do not own Naruto. I do, however, own the idea behind this fanfic, the boardgame I use in this fanfic, and all OC's that I do not steal from other people. and now that my legal position in writing this fic is secured, have a nice time reading it.

xxx

Dungeon Delver

xxx

There are many theories behind the existance of the wandering shops. Some believe they are merchants from an ancient empire, allowed to cross the bariers of dimensions by their gods. Others think they are the creation of a benevolent fate. And some believe that they are merely a useful plot device.

Three guesses which one it is...

xxx

Naruto ducked into an alley. Great... He gets tricked into stealing a scroll by his asshole sensei, his other sensei nearly dies and has to be taken into the hospital, and now a large group of chunin were chasing him down because 'It's the demon brat, he had to have done something wrong.'

Looking around for a place to hide, he spotted a small door. Hanging above it was a sign that read _Hailiegh and Burkes- established 1862_

Ducking inside, Naruto hoped the shopowner wouldn't be one of the ones that kicked him out if he breathed to heavily. Searching his pocket, he found Gama-chan and squeezed it lightly. Yup... still full of money. Couldn't the assholes have let him eat before they started chasing him? Whatever...

Looking around, Naruto sweatdropped as he saw the shopkeep sleeping in a chair by the counter. Walking up to him slowly, he poked him in the side. The shopkeep snorted a couple times, wiped his nose, and went back to sleep.

Shrugging to himself, Naruto started looking around at the shops contents. Stuffed gator hanging from the ceiling... large pile of weapons... a cape labeled 'INVISIBILITY CLOAK'... loads of wierd looking hats... and a stack of boardgames.

Feeling oddly drawn to the last, he walked over toward it. The one on top read 'DUNGEON DELVER- _from the makers of Towers and Titans!!'_ Lifting it up, Naruto blew the dust off of the box, revealing a picture of a man in shining plate armor shoving a sword into a dragons open mouth.

"I hope you plan on paying for that..."

Naruto jumped in shock, dropping the boardgame. Once he landed, he turned around quickly to face the shopkeep. "Ahhh... Yeah, sure. How much does it cost?"

The shopkeep chuckled. "About... _let me see, ten ryo to one dollar..._ 200 ryo."

Naruto sighed in relief. He had only brought 250 ryo to old man Ichiraku's ramen stand, and he had spent 25 on a bowl of ramen that he hadn't been able to touch.

Handing the money over to the shopkeep, Naruto looked at the time and cursed. Hokage-ojisan wanted him to come talk to him about the 'Mizuki incident' at twelve, and it was already11:45. Snatching up his boardgame, he ran out of the shop towards the Hokage Tower.

The shopkeep blinked. "He didn't give me the time to give him his change... oh well."

Behind Naruto, the door to the shop wavered and vanished.

xxx

Sarutobi looked mournfully at the stack of paperwork on his desk. Every time he finished a stack, one of his secretaries came in with another stack.

Suddenly, a blur of orange smashed through the window and into his desk. Blinking, Sarutobi looked at the clock. Yup... twelve o'clock.

"Sorry I'm late but... What the hell happened in here?"

And there was Kakashi... late for his ten o'clock apointment. Go figure.

Sarutobi sighed. "Yes Kakashi, you are very very late indeed. Naruto? Even though I'm glad that you're on time, try to use the door next time. Anyway... Kakashi, I'm assigning you a team. I won't tell you who is in it, because you're late. Deal with it. Go do whatever it is you do with your spare time. Naruto," Sarutobi began as Kakashi wandered out, "I am... sorry. Iruka says Mizuki told you about the fox. I was planning on telling you when you were older, but... it's too late now. Anyway, are you doing alright?"

Naruto paused for a second. Was he alright? After the Mizuki incident, he had started to wonder what everyone else wanted from him. Mizuki had wanted to use him to get the scroll... that was the only reason he had been nice to him. Why was Iruka being nice to him? Why was the hokage... the leader of the village... being nice to him, the outcast? He hadn't thought of things like that before, but now...

Shaking his head, Naruto tried to force those thoughts from his mind. "I'm fine, Ojisan. Some bastards chased me through the slums for a while, but other than that I havent had any problems. Hey, hey! Speaking of the slums, I found this weird shop down there! It had all sorts of weird things in it..."

Sarutobi, connecting the dots between 'weird shop' and 'slums', got entirely the wrong answer as to what was in the shop. Of course, it was really none of his buisness, but...

"Naruto... what exactly was weird about the shop?"

Naruto blinked as his train of thought was derailed. "In the shop? Funny hats and stuff... I got a game from it, look!"

Sarutobi crossed his eyes to try to see what Naruto was waving wildly in his face. Oh... a board game... Sarutobi felt embarrased for his immidiate assumption that Naruto had found an adult store.

"Anyway..." Sarutobi coughed, "You should probably be going now... I have another apointment in about five miniutes, and I need to pick up the papers you scattered everywhere..."

Naruto blinked and looked at the papers on the floor as if he'd never seen them before. "Oh... Let me help! Kage Bunshin no Jutsu!"

About twenty Naruto-Bunshin popped into existance, picking up the papers and setting them on the table in about twenty seconds.

Dispelling them, Naruto smiled. "See you later Ojiji!"

As Naruto left, Sarutobi picked his jaw up off the floor. "Why didn't I think of that?" he muttered to himself idly before creating a bunshin to do his paperwork.

xxx

_Roughly a week later-_

"...Team 7 is Naruto, Sakura, and Sasuke. Team 8 is..." Iruka droned.

Naruto sighed. On the one hand, he was in the same team as Sakura, who was rather cheerful and personable when she wasn't harping about Sasuke. Admittedly that was becoming less and less often lately...

And on the other hand, he was also on the same team as Sasuke, who was a decent person when he didn't have to deal with 'Annoying bitches hounding him', to quote his own words.

But, as they were all on the same team, Sasuke would be prickly and annoying because of Sakura's gushing about him, and Sakura would hold him up to Sasuke 'I neither sleep nor eat, merely train' Uchiha's standard, and find him lacking. Just... Fucking... Great.

Whatever... at least he could talk with Iruka a bit before their sensei came.

"Hey, Iruka-sensei! I got a board game the other day... The rules say you have to have 2 or more players. I was wondering if you would try it out with me?" Naruto asked.

Iruka looked thoughtful for a moment, before shaking his head. "No, I have work to do after class. Maybe you could play it with Sasuke and Sakura?" Iruka paused before continuing, "Teamwork is important for Ninja..."

Naruto blinked. Why did he get the feeling that Iruka had tried to give him a clue to something? Must have been his imagination.

Turning towards his teammates, he opened his mouth to ask them if they wanted to play. Unfortunately, he didn't get the chance.

"Why would Sasuke want to play a boardgame with _You_?" asked Sakura. "I mean, considering it's something of _yours..._"

Sasuke deathglared Sakura. "I quite like boardgames. If you don't, you don't have to play..."

Sakura flushed a deep red. "I... uh... Nevermind. What type of boardgame is it?"

Sasuke grunted. And people wondered why he didn't like having hordes of fangirls? They were all weak, spineless imbeciles. He didn't need them dragging him down.

Naruto rummaged around in his desk. "Just a second... Here!" Pulling out the boardgame, he set it on the table. "You have to make a character before you play. The guidelines are in here somewhere... Here we go! And here are some 'Stat Sheets' for you too."

Sakura blinked. "This sounds an awful lot like an RPG, not a boardgame."

Naruto shook his head. "Nah, it's a board game. Its got a board, see? So it's a board game."

Sakura looked at Sasuke, who shrugged. Turning back towards the board, she steeled herself. If Sasuke wanted to play, she would play to! And she would beat Naruto, and impress Sasuke, and Sasuke would marry her, and then he'd take his pants off... And I think that's enough following her thought proscess.

xxx

_About an hour later-_

After watching team 7 set up the board(and Naruto whining that he wanted Iruka to play too), Iruka had caved in and decided to play with them. They had each set up their character for the game. Sasuke was an Aesmar, or half diety. Aparently, an Aesmar was what happened when a god got busy with a mortal woman. Rather then choose the suggested class for an Aesmar, which was a paladin, Sasuke had chosen to be a Samurai. When asked why, he responded that 'He just felt like it, ok? sheesh...'

Naruto had looked at the classes for a while, before choosing to be a Dhampir. In other words, a half vampire. He had chosen to multiclass his character, making a sorceror/knight. His logic backing his choice up was suprizingly well thought out- A sorceror had spells for long range, and a knight could use big, heavy weapons to smash things that got close.

Sakura had, suprisingly, chosen to be a dryad Bard. In essence, a glorified rogue. But she isn't really important, so lets skip on to Iruka, the elvish priest. His logic was that odds were they would need to be healed fairly often, or they would lose the game. And preists got to weild maces, aka 'big, heavy things for smashing.' You could tell why he and Naruto got along so well.

And now, Naruto had to explain the object of the game.

"Okay, you are a team of adventurers searching for a lost relic. Legend has it that said relic is hidden in one of the many deep dungeons of /insert area card here/. To win, you have to search the land and its dungeons until you find the relic. That seems fairly simple to me..."

Sakura blinked. "Area card?"

Naruto nodded. "It has a little deck here... they have different settings described on them. See? 'Deserts of Noor- a hot, barren desert that will require all your wits to survive.' or 'Cathali Tundra- a frigid wasteland teeming with monsters'. They're both expert level. We haven't played a lot yet, so we want either a 'Beginner' or 'Noob' rank area."

Sasuke looked them over, before grabbing the 'Dark Forest' beginner card and placing it on the board.

The board twitched, before pulling Sasuke, Sakura, Iruka, and Naruto into their tokens, which swelled upwards into familiar figures.

"Sorry I'm late... What the fuck?"

xxx

Naruto clutched his head. Owww... What the hell just happened? Last thing he remembered was playing a board game with Sasuke, Sakura and Iruka, then the board... ate him? But that couldn't be right. He was fairly sure that board games didn't eat people, cause he would have heard about it. The more he thought about it, the more likely it seemed that he'd put the wrong mushrooms in his ramen... again. This veiw was supported by the fact that he was wearing someone elses clothing, in the middle of the forest. Of course, last time this had happened the clothes hadn't been nearly so nice...

"What. The. Fuck. Is going on!?!?!" Sasuke's voice echoed through the forest. Okay... On the one hand, that could explain the nice clothing. On the other, he was fairly sure that Sasuke didn't have any western dress shirts at all, much less bright red ones with ruffles on the cuffs and collar. Or any black leather vests with thin chains crisscrossing it randomly. And the ponytail he was sure he hadn't had the time to grow in a single mushroom induced illusion was a little confusing as well. And last time he had seen his hands, they were a dark tan, NOT allibaster white.

"GYEEAAAHHH!" Okay, that was Sakura. He was fairly sure she wasn't the sort to take hallucinogens... and when had he ever _thought_ the word hallucinogen? Okay, something was definately wrong.

"Oh god, my head..." and there was Iruka. Okay, what were the odds that his incredibly normal seeming day- exept for the board eating him, of course- was a hallucination? fairly low... His mushrooms generally gave people really, _really_ weird 'visions'. For example, the time he was sure he had thrown up his own feet... and the time the swarm of fanged moths ate his house... and the army of blue gnomes that ripped off all of his clothes and roasted him in peanut butter... Okay, getting eaten by a board game was pretty lame in comparison. But... ah, whatever. If the board game _Had_ eaten him, what could he do about it? Other than take some mushrooms, of course. Oh... wait... Judging by his teammates and sensei staring at him, he'd said that all out loud. Shit.

Looking at his teammates Naruto made a decision. "Okay... can you all forget what I just said? Please? ... And why are you all wearing other people's clothes too?"

Sasuke stared at him. "Roasted in penut butter? By little blue gnomes."

Iruka nodded slightly to himself. "It would explain your low grades... Just offhand, were you on shrooms during your tests?"

Naruto paused for a moment before shrugging. If they knew already, what was the point of hiding it? "Yes... but not much! Just enough to calm my nerves."

Sakura had a thoughtful look in her eyes. "Mushrooms, huh? I've only ever tried alchohol and weed... How much would a bag of these mushrooms cost? ... And why are you all staring at me?"

Shaking his slight shock off, Naruto rattled off, "A small bag costs 5000 ryo, a larger bag costs 20000 ryo, and our 'Jumbo bag of delight' costs a low, low 40000 ryo for ten pounds of high-quality mushrooms. Unfortunately, this is only while supplies last, and all my stuff is in Konoha."

Iruka twitched. "Okay, can we stop talking about mushrooms for a miniute? We need to find a way back to Konoha... And _when the hell did my ears grow points!? And why am I wearing a dress?!?!?!?_"

Sasuke sniggered. "It looks good on you, _Iruka-chan._"

Iruka twitched again, and a large vein throbbed in his forehead. "Thats it... YOU ARE DEAD!"

Naruto watched Iruka chase Sasuke around with a large hammer with mild interest. Turning to see what Sakura was doing, he sweatdropped as he saw her scribbling in a little book while muttering rhymes about the breifness of friendship. Turning back towards Iruka, Naruto sweatdropped as he saw Sasuke getting hit on the head repeatedly by Iruka's mallet. "Umm... Iruka? It might not be a good idea to kill Sasuke. He is our main attack unit, after all..."

Iruka paused in his ritious smiting of Sasuke's forhead. "What do you mean?"

Naruto shrugged. "I think, considering that the game board ate us, that we're inside the game. The only other thing that I can think of is that there was a gas leak or something at school, and this is all a massive hallucination."

Iruka shrugged. "Yes, I get the point. But if we are in the game, then I can just ressurect him once I'm done beating on him."

Naruto Bigsweated. "Okay, that's a good point... but you don't get the revive spells until level ten. Until then, we have to rely on scrolls and temples... which, you might note, are in rather short supply."

Sasuke groaned. "Okay, I have two questions. The first... What the fuck are you talking about? Levels, temples, spells, and scrolls... It's all greek to me. And two... when did Naruto start talking in big words?"

Naruto sighed. "Okay, it's obvious you didn't read the rulebook. You gain levels by killing monsters, and as you gain levels you get more powerful. Temples are places consecrated to gods, tended by high level NPC preists. Spells are like jutsu, kind of. Different energy, but not much else. Scrolls are spells written on sheets of paper, and can be used once before they destroy themselves. And I always talk like this when I haven't had any mushrooms recently. I don't know why."

Iruka muttered, "Because drugs fry your brain, perhaps?" But Naruto didn't hear him. Mainly because his attention had been grabbed by a group of short, green men with knives and hatchets that had burst from the other end of the clearing.

"Oh, shit."

xxx

Sarutobi looked at the board. Several small figurines had appeared on the map near the tokens that he was fairly sure symbolized team 7 and Iruka, and now they were fighting. Just out of curiosity, Sarutobi flicked one of the figurines on the forehead.

xxx

The goblins paused in their attack of team 7 when one of their own was struck by lightning out of a clear blue sky. The short pause was enough for Sasuke, Iruka and Naruto to even the odds somewhat as Sakura used her 'super special dryad powers' to entangle the short creatures legs in grass and vines.

Naruto looked up at the sky for a moment before smiling, revealing short pointy fangs. "Thank you, God!"

xxx

Sarutobi sighed as team 7 and Iruka decimated the figurines. Turning to look at Kakashi, who instead of reading porn was frantically memorizing the instructions manual. Sarutobi didn't really blame him- if the council found out that Sasuke had been eaten by a board game because Kakashi had been late to pick up his students, there would be hell to pay... No, he lied. But long, boring lectures about the duties of a shinobi and people screaming at you constantly would be very, very annoying.

"So," Sarutobi said, "Is there anything we can do to help them? Or do they have to stay in there until they win? Are they sent out if they die?"

Kakashi didn't even stop reading as he answered. "Yes but yes, and no. we can affect what 'monsters' pop up more or less, we can drop them items, and we can give them gold, but we can't take them out, and if tey die, they die. And something worthy of note is that anything they get in the game, they keep once they get out of the game, including their levels and skills. I'm not sure wether this is good or bad... apparently, they can go up to level 999,999."

Sarutobi blinked. "Level?"

Kakashi sighed. "Let me put it this way... This references your average demon lord- think Kyuubi- as level 500. You would, I think, be roughly level 50. And guess what? By the time these kids are done with this game, they will _each_ be at least as strong as Kyuubi. A few of the spells and abilities they're going to get quite frankly scare me. At level 100, for instance, Naruto will get the 'Meteor' spell. think of a flaming hunk of rock as big as konoha. at level 500, this will upgrade to 'Meteor Shower', which summons anywhere from three to twelve of these flaming hunks of rock. Then there are the racial special techniques... Sasuke's is 'Holy Light', which purifies whoever he casts it on of sin by burning it out of them, generally killing them in the process. It upgrades to 'Armageddon' at level 1000, which does it to everyone and everything exept his allies it a ten square mile radius. Fortunately, he can only cast it once a day. Of course, once a day is bad enough. Are you scared yet? I am."

Sarutobi shivered. Oh, yes. Now he was scared. Fortunately, these were all loyal children. Sarutobi was almost sorry for Itachi, though... almost.

xxx

Naruto shivered as he wiped goblin ichor off his shirt. For some reason, he was dreadfully hungry. Maybe it was those fireballs... throwing them around was suprisingly tiring. Whatever...

Turning to look at Iruka, Naruto blinked as he saw him looting the goblin's bodies. Wasn't he supposed to be a priest? Good idea, though. Staffs were nice and all, but Naruto would take a sword over them any day. Maybe a spear af some kind...

But eating came first. "Hey, Iruka? Do they have anything to eat on them?"

Iruka paused in his looting. "Why? You do realize you're a half-vampire, right?"

Naruto blinked. What did that have to do with anything... Oh.. "You have to be kidding me! These things look absolutely _foul!_ Besides, I'm half-human as well, and I'm fairly sure that means I can eat normal food!"

Sasuke blinked, and a wicked smile crossed his face. "Oh, come on Naruto. All the cool dhampirs do it..."

"NO! I refuse to eat these horrible, disgusting, creatures! Their blood isn't even the right color! And how would you know what cool half-vampire half-human hybrids do? You've never even met one!"

Sasuke nodded sagely. "As you are the only dhampir I have met, I would have to agree that I have never met a 'cool' dhampir."

"GYEAARGH!"

xxx

Ike the troll watched the group of adventurers argue among themselves idly. They had killed the group of goblins he was tracking, but that wasn't really suprising. Everyone hated goblins, including the goblins themselves. Maybe they would help him, and maybe they wouldn't. Either way, he would follow them for at least a little while longer.

Ike shrunk back into the shrubbery, dissapearing from veiw with practiced ease.

xxx

A.N.

Yippe! another fic that probably wont get any reviews at all! Please, feel free to prove me wrong!


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer- I've already discalimed this fic, so you can't do anything to me if I don't put any more disclaimers in! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA_/cough//wheze//hack/_ Oh crap, I swallowed a fly...

xxx

Dungeon Crawler

xxx

Naruto sighed. For three weeks they had been stuck in the game. In those three weeks, they had been ambushed by goblins 650 times, roughly, EVERY WEEK. Admittedly, they now had a nice stash of gold coins, but they hadn't found any towns to spend that money in, so it was a moot point. By now, the entire group absolutely loathed everything about goblins, and were all to glad to smash every one they could find. Currently, they were busy, however...

"Tell me," Sasuke muttered irritably, "How often do _you_ think that a road you find in the middle of the woods is going to lead you to the site of an evil cult's temple? I was personally under the impression that those were kept _well hidden_, right? So that wandering heroic types couldn't find them easy. And yet, after following this road we found, we have found _nothing_ but cult after bloody cult, and goblin scavenger parties? Are there any towns, villages, or cities ANYWHERE in this godforsaken bloody armpit of the world?"

"Actually," echoed out from among the trees, "If you keep on going for another couple miles and take the left fork at the crossroads, you'll find a nice little town. Of course, the ruler it is a vampire who killed the previous lord, but other than that he's a pretty nice fellow."

Sasuke twitched. "Okay. Now the trees are talking to me. Whats next, giant man-eating statues?"

"Oh dear me, of course not. Thats in the Valley of Geddon. And by the way, I'm not a tree. I'm an ogre."

Sasuke sweatdropped. "An ogre? In that case, aren't you supposed to be some sort of violent barbarian beast-man?"

"Oh, that really hurts," Said the ogre, stepping out from among the trees. "I will have you know that I speak twenty different languages, including Old Elvish and Commonwealth. If you continue to insult me, I will be forced to remove your limbs and beat you to death with them."

Sasuke grinned. "Well, its four to one against you..."

The ogre blinked. "Is it? I only see you here. Your companions are going ahead without you."

"Huh? DAMNIT, YOU COWARDS! Leave me behind to fight a bloodthirsty troll, will you?"

The ogre shook his head. "No, no, my dear boy. I'm an _Ogre_, not a troll. There is really a world of differece between the two, you know..."

Sasuke shrugged. "Whatever. You all look like inflated goblins to me."

The ogre twitched. "I will have you know, goblins and ogres are not related. At all. If you ever draw a comparison between one of my kind and one of those _dreadful_ little creatures, I will be forced to grind you into paste and feed you to a colony of ants."

Sasuke blinked. "Okay... violent much? Anyway, its been nice talking to you, but I have to catch up to my friends. Maybe I'll talk to you again sometime."

And Sasuke ran away as fast as he could, as the ogre blinked.

"He didn't have to run away like that. I was about to suggest I introduce him to the Count, too..."

xxx

Sasuke caught up with team 7 completely out of breath, and had to stop for a moment to catch some more. Once he had finished that, he glared at the others. "And why," he began, "Did you leave me behind with an OGRE???"

Naruto shrugged. "He seemed decent enough, and you were getting along so well."

"WELL? He threatened to beat me to death with my own arms! How is that getting along well?"

Iruka blinked. "Well, you wern't actively trying to kill each other for one. You and Naruto are best friends, and you two still try to kill each other all the time, and ocasionally succeed."

Sasuke twitched. "That's different. For one, now that you have a life spell we can kill each other ten times over every day, and still be able to shake each other's hands and call it a draw, whereas if one of us kills a helpless stranger, we have to dispose of the body, cause I doubt they would take being killed very well once they're revived."

Iruka sweatdropped. "That.. really explains a lot about you, actually. And anyway, he was an Ogre. Somehow, the words 'Ogre' and 'Helpless' don't really mix well in my head."

Naruto shrugged again. "For some reason, I doubt that most ogres talk like that, myself. He's probably a high-ranking bigwig of some kind. He refered to to the ruler of the town that we're heading toward as a 'pretty nice fellow', which suggests that he knows him beyond as a passing aquantince."

Sasuke's brow furled as he tried to remember that part of the conversation. "Did he?" Damnit... now he wished that he hadn't sacrificed so much of his intellegence for a higher endurance score.

"Yes, he did. And... Is that the 'little town'? Dear god, its at least as big as Konohagakure!" Naruto exclaimed, pointing towards said 'little town'.

Iruka looked at it. "It looks about the same size, yes. All the better- It will have more stores, better quality stuff, and, hopefully, tea made out of something other than tree bark. Onwards! To warm, comfortable beds and decent food! To people who don't try to kill you for no reason and who aren't goblins! And to alchoholic beverages!"

Naruto looked at Iruka for a moment. "What about mushrooms?"

Iruka deflated a little. "Okay, fine. Alcoholic beverages and mushrooms, possibly in conjunction with each other."

Naruto nodded. "Much better."

xxx

Ike watched the adventurers with interest. This was the best entertainment he had had for a long time. Unfortunately, they were going into a town, and he was fairly sure he wouldn't be welcome there. Taking the arm of a dead goblin out of his pack, he tore a bite out of it with pointy teeth. At least they had provided him with enough food to last him a year, if nothing else.

xxx

Naruto glared at the soldiers guarding the gates angrily. "What do you mean, we have to submit proof that we aren't goblins? Do we look like goblins?"

One of the soldiers shifted uneasily. "Well, sir, they've been coming up with some really weird tricks to try to get into town lately. The other day one of their shamans was up here using illusions to make him and his buddies look like squirrels, sir. If they had figured out that squirrels aren't three feet tall and don't walk on their hind legs, they mighta fooled us to. We figure, if they can disguise themselves as squirrels, sir, why not disguise themselves as people, sir. So we have to have proof that you aren't a goblin,sir."

Sasuke sweatdropped. "Do goblins usually talk normally?"

The soldier looked forward, trying hard not to blink. "I wouldn't know, sir. I generally don't talk to them, sir. I just shoot them, sir."

Sakura sighed. "So... how do we prove that we aren't goblins?"

The soldier relaxed a little. This was firmer ground. "Simple, mam. You have to answer a math question, mam. Does two plus two equal five, mam?"

Sakura sweatdropped. "...No?"

The soldier nodded. "You can come in, sirs and mam. If you were a goblin, you would have answered 'yes', cause goblins are really, really stupid, mam."

Naruto joined Sakura in sweatdropping. "If you haven't talked to any, how do you know this?"

The soldier blinked. "Easy, sir," he said as he opened the gate. "Goblins always attack troops that are better armed and armored, instead of weak people and children. If they were intellegent, they would pick off the weak ones first, then gang up on the strong ones, sir."

Sasuke joined his teammates in sweatdropping. "How do you know that that doesn't just mean they have a moral code that keeps them from attacking those weaker then themselves?"

The soldier sweatdropped. "That... is an interesting idea, sir. However, sir, in the end doesn't it amount up to the same thing, sir?"

Sasuke sighed and shrugged. "I guess so. C'mon, lets find someplace to eat!"

Meanwhile, the goblins hiding in the bushes nodded to themselves. Now they had proof that humans were a dispicable scourge that needed to be destroyed. They needed to talk to Shaman Grug and Cheiftain Bulgurk... oh, and to remember to answer 'no' to the gatekeeps question.

xxx

Inside the first inn Naruto had found, know as 'The Haggs Eye', Team 7 and Iruka were enjoying a nice meal, which may or may not have contained mushrooms, and the cheapest liquer/mushrooms/weed that they could find.

Naruto sighed. These mushrooms were crap. They only produced a few disjointed blurs in his vision, rather than turning everything colorful and happy. Snatching the drink he had bought to wash it down- something called 'Dragon's Blood'- He took a swig of it. Only to choke as the drink burned his throat so bad he thought he was going to breathe fire. Turning to the barkeep, he tripped as the floor lurched up to meet him. Clutching desperately at the counter, he asked the first thing that jumped into his head.

"What the HELL is in this!?" He asked, waving the bottle at him.

The barkeep grabbed the bottle and laughed. "This is really strong whisky brewed from 'Black Dragon' peppers, with pigs blood mixed in. Its a drink designed for vampires, as you could probably guess. I could change it out for something weaker, for a small fee..."

Naruto shook his head and smiled, showing off his canines. "No... I was just suprised how strong it was. In fact, bring me another bottle."

The bartender looked at Naruto's teeth with a slightly worried look on his face. "Uhm.. Right away, sir."

Turning back toward his friends, Naruto smiled wider. "Well, that was easy. Oh, boy... this stuff is almost as good as my shrooms!"

Sakura scowled worridly. "Are you sure that's a good idea? Get to drunk, and we'll just leave you down here instead of helping you up to your room."

Naruto waved his hand at her, as if to brush he complaints away. "I'll be fine. What could happen?" He began, only to stop as a massive hand clapped down on his shoulder. Turning around, he looked up... and up... and then up a little higher, coming face to face with the wildest looking man he had ever seen.

The man snarled. "We don't like Vampies in here, _Boy_. If I was you, I'd get gone afore me an my mates decide you need a lil _persuasion_, get mah drift? Or else..." The man drifted to a halt. "Well, mebe ya will na learn wit else is if ya hurries up."

Naruto blinked. Then he nodded. "Thanks for the advice. But on the other hand..." One hand lashed out very swifly and came to a very sudden halt. The man began sweating furiously when he realized Naruto was holding a knife _very_ close to one of his favorite body parts. "On the other hand, I have never responded vey well to threats. Think about that, and think about how easy it would be for me to _not stop_ next time."

The man swallowed as Naruto retracted his knife and turned around. Thinking as quickly as he was capable, he decided that maybe he shouldn't antagonize this particular vampire. Ever. And that maybe it was time to _RUN THE FUCK AWAY!_

Ignoring the hurried footsteps, Naruto took another swig of his drink, idly grabbing the new bottle the bartender handed him. How nice... There were nowhere near as many stupid idiots here as there was in Konoha. He could get to enjoy it here...

"Thar 'e is, Offica! He threted me wit a knife, 'e did!"

Naruto sighed as his friends stepped away from him. Unfortunately, he didn't have any friends in high places here. Damn.

xxx

"But daddy! I don't want to watch all the boring trials, I want to talk with my friends!"

Count Richard sighed. "You have to make at least an attempt to learn the nuances of our legal system, Iris. It is, believe it or not, more important than your social life."

Iris glared at her father. "Oh, _fine._ But afterwords, I want to talk with Circe and Lacci and Terri and..."

The Count nodded quickly. "Yes, yes, fine. Anyway, I have found some legal cases are quite interesting..."

xxx

Naruto looked around his bleak cell. Ironically, it was better than his apartment back in konoha- a _soft_ bed, a chair with even legs... it even had a bathroom with warm running water and a shower, which Naruto was fairly sure wasn't standard issue in jail cells. Well, might as well make the best of his predicament...

"Okay, get your ass out of that cell!"

Naruto blinked and looked around. Yup... His door was open, and a pair of gaurds was standing there. "My sentence is up already?"

One of the gaurds laughed. "No, we have to give you a trail before we can lock you up. That means you have a chance to either prove that you didn't threaten Mr. Tom, or that you were justified in threatening Mr. Tom. You get to call in as many witnesses as you want."

Naruto blinked, then smiled hugely. This would be easy!

xxx

"The case of Mr. Tom against... Na-rew-toe O-zoo-mock-e? Did I get that right? Anyway, his honor Count Richard Vargo presides over this case. Court is now in session."

Iris looked at Naruto and Mr. Tom idly. "Let me guess... That beastly looking man beat up the young man, and the young man wants to send him to jail for it, Right?"

Count Richard coughed into his hand nervously. "Um... No. According to Mr Tom, aka 'that beastly looking man', Naruto, 'the young man', threatened him with a knife. I don't know, but now that I've seen the both of them, I rather doubt it."

Iris looked at the two in suprise. "I should think so! Why would someone so obviously well off threaten someone like _that_? If anything, I'd say it was the other way around."

Count Richard looked around nervously. "Yes, well, Mr. Tom has several people testifying that he and Naruto were talking, when Naruto suddenly pulled a knife on him. For some reason, they found this very amusing. But, anyway, the evidence is overwhelmingly in Mr. Tom's favor."

"Oh dear, I'm so sorry I'm late, but I had a very difficult time finding young Naruto's witnesses..."

Richard laughed to himself. "And here's the cheif of defence, Percival Thurgisson. Maybe the young man has a chance after all."

Naruto was staring at the ogre that had just walked into the courtroom, dragging Sasuke, Sakura and Iruka with one hand and adjusting his watchchain with his other. Suddenly, he burst out laughing, much to the shock of Mr. Tom, the gaurds, and most of the people in attendance.

Stifling his laughter for a moment, Naruto pointed Percival. "You're the ogre we met on the road! The one that freaked Sasuke out so bad, and gave us the directions to town! How're you doing?"

Percival set Naruto's witnesses to the side, smiling. "Oh, I did think you looked rather familiar. I'm doing fine, thank you. Now, could you explain how exactly you got into this dillema?"

Mr. Tom snorted. "Ah cn tell ya that, ya bloody ogrish frekwad. Th bloodlikkin vampie freak ere thretted me, wit a knife! Ah have plenny witnessers what agrees wit me."

Count Richard sweatdropped. "Okay, I think we have the reason Mr. Tom was 'thretted' right in front of us. Mr. Tom, you are out of order! The defendant was asked a question, not you. Please continue, Mr. Uzumaki... Damn, that name is a mouthful."

Naruto nodded thankfully toward the Count before turning back toward Percival the ogre. "Okay... We followed your directions to town, at which point we were asked by the gaurds at the gate to prove we weren't goblins. After proving it to their satisfaction, we found a bar with rooms to let and started eating. about halfway through the meal I was accosted by 'Mr. Tom' here, and told to 'Get my vampie ass lost', although in rather more words, with a threat or two involved on his part. After listening politely, I suggested that if he didn't want to become a eunich, he would leave me in peace, at which point he ran away very fast. A little bit later, he came back with a couple gaurds who were suprisingly polite about letting me bring the drinks I had purchased to jail with me. And now I'm here. I'm sure if you ask my companions, you will get the same story from them... oh, shit."

Sasuke's eyes were glowing bright gold, and he was twitching sporiadicly. "Naruto... Are you the reason that I was dragged from my nice, warm bed by a _fucking ogre_? Because if you are, I suggest rather strongly that you start running now, because when I catch you I am going to _KILL YOU,_ you _BASTARD_!!!"

Naruto looked at Sasuke worridly. "Okay, maybe not Sasuke, but I'm sure that Iruka and Sakura agree with me... Don't you?" Seeing the looks that they were giving him, Naruto looked at Count Richard desperately. "On the other hand, maybe a nice prison sentence would be good for my health. Do you think I could file for an extension? OW! Damnit, stop swinging that sword at me while I can't fight back! That stings!"

xxx

A.N.

Another really long chapter... And I actually got a few reviews! Yes!


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer- Wait, why am I putting this here? didn't I already disclaim this?

xxx

Dungeon Crawler

xxx

In the end, Count Richard decided that even though it was obvious Naruto was justified in threatening Mr. Tom, It probably would be better for his health to enjoy a couple weeks in a jail cell. He also, very kindly, had a priest reatach his left arm and right ear and foot, as well as reinflate his chest and remove the daggers in his back. Once Naruto was in condition to talk, Naruto thanked the Count, who came down with his daughter every other day. Naruto was somewhat confused about the counts daughter, who insisted that he call her Iris-chan, and was always eying him oddly, as if she was measuring a peice of meat. Sometimes she would bat her eyes furiously at him, and she would always get angry when he asked if she had something in her eyes. By the end of three weeks, he was getting really freaked out.

Looking at the wall, Naruto tallied up the scratches in it. 28 divided by 7 was... 4, yes, must be four. That meant this was his last day in his suprisingly well furnished jail cell, with free food and drink delivered to him daily. Damn. Oh well, at least his friends would probably have cooled their tempers by now... At least, he hoped they would have. If they didn't, he would be learning very soon if his vampiric heritage gave him enough speed to outrun an enraged demigod.

Naruto paused to think for a moment. Maybe he could start commiting petty crimes and get sent here often enough that they would just let him stay? But on the other hand, maybe they wouldn't give him as nice a cell next time. And if he was stuck in jail with nothing to do for long enough, he would probably get as fat as a Akimichi... Ew. That settled it, he wouldn't intentionaly get sent to jail. Ever.

"Dear god, the goblins have breached the main gate! We can't hold them back much longer, milord. Run!"

Naruto blinked and sat up. That didn't sound good at all. In fact, it sounded quite bad... But then again, he was in a cell with nice, thick stone walls and a big, _locked_ metal door. He'd be fine, for as long as his food lasted. And rats actually tasted fairly good roasted...

"Damnit, unlock the prisoners! We need every able hand we can get!"

Naruto sighed. Spoke too soon...

The door burst open. Looking in were three familiar faces. "Naruto?" asked a somewhat confused Iruka. "You're still in here? I thought the sentence for threatining someone was two days!"

Naruto shrugged. "It's nice in here, so I filed for an extension. Got any Dragons Blood?"

Sasuke looked around nervously. "Um... We had some, but after introducing the soldiers to molotov cocktails, they requisitioned all alcoholic beverages... Personally, I think it was just an excuse to get shit-faced drunk. How else do you think the goblins got in?"

Sakura blinked. "Um, Sasuke? The goblins got in before you demonstrated how molotovs work. Why else would you have used it?"

Sasuke went poker-faced. "The goblins were already in? Then why didn't I see any?"

Sakura sighed. "Because you used a molotov on them."

Sasuke remained poker-faced. "How could I have used a molotov on them if I didn't see them?"

"Damnit, stop talking and start helping us get rid of these little green bastards!"

Naruto looked over the shoulders of his companions. Yup... About three gaurds taking on thirty goblins. No wonder they were loosing...

"Get out of the way! I've wanted to try out this spell for a long time..." Naruto muttered. "Light and dark, ice and fire, water and earth! I call upon you to bestow upon me your power, and destroy my enemies! ORB OF DESTRUCTION!"

The gaurds ducked behind their makeshift baricades of old crates as the spell arched over their heads. after a couple seconds, there was a muffled 'whoof'. Looking over the crates, the gaurds paled when they saw a spiral of technicolor flames burning the hallway, while things that might have been goblins at one time started shrieking in agony. After a few miniutes, the flame died out leaving nothing but a black portion of the hallway.

Sasuke stared. "When did you learn to do that? It was nothing like any of the spells you've done before."

Naruto shrugged. "I had to do something while I was in jail, right? I just added some power and a few different elements to a basic fireball spell.The power keeps it sticky, so the magic takes longer to dissapate, and the extra elements make it less likely that anything will be able to resist it because of any elemental affinity..."

Iruka cut in, "Okay, but now isn't the time to give us a lecture about spellcrafting, although I'm happy you've taken so well to it. We have to find and protect the Count and his daughter. How many more times can you cast that spell?"

Naruto blinked. "About ten. Then I'd have to resort to lower teir varients of the spell..."

"We dont really care. Come on!"

xxx

Count Richard peeked out of his hiding place. Yup... There were still hordes of goblins milling around in the room. Just his luck... fortunately, they hadn't looked in the crate he was in yet- They were too busy argueing over food.

The door opened. "Nope, nothing but goblins in here. Naruto, the spell!"

"I wonder if I really have to use that chant at the beggining... ORB OF DESTRUCTION!"

The count blinked as a ball of corruscating light arched to the center of the room. When it hit the ground, it spread out untill it covered a large area of ground before exploding upward into a pillar of flames with several strange spiral patterns in it. shielding his eyes, Count Richard waited for the light died down. Looking again, Count Richard blinked as he saw nothing but a darkened spot on the floor where the goblins were.

Four people walked in. "Damnit Naruto, we didn't need to burn their gold and equipment! Gold is valuable, understand!"

Naruto huffed. "Well, I haven't really had the time to modify the spell to ignore their stuff yet. I'd like to see you to do better in a month, Sakura!"

Sakura glared at Naruto. "Then before we go any farther, You are going to find a way to make it so the spell leaves their gold untouched!"

Naruto stared at Sakura in shock. "But that could take _weeks_! We don't have that much time, we need to find the count! And Iris-chan, too..."

Sasuke snickered. "Aww, has little Naru-chan finally found a girlfriend? Took you long enough..."

Naruto flushed bright red and began denying that anything that could be taken as anything like that could possibly be happening. The Count winced as the crate next to his opened up, revealing Iris, who was weilding a large mallet... oh, dear.

"Naruto you asshole!"

Naruto went from a bright red to white as a sheet very, very quickly. "She's right behind me, isn't she?" As his companions nodded, Naruto gulped. "Um... I didn't mean it, Iris-chan?"

"Tooo Laaate!"

Count Richard winced and hunched over in his crate, trying to ignore the unpleasently organic crunches and screams echoing around the room. Iris definately took after her mother...

xxx

Once Iris was done mutilating Naruto, Iruka put all his bits in the right places and casted Full-life on him. Sitting up slowly, Naruto rubbed his head. "Owww... Please tell me she's done? Not that you revived me so she could kill me again?"

Iris glared at him. "Although the idea is really tempting right now, we have more important buisness to attend to. Namely, getting out of this goblin infested town."

Naruto blinked. "Why not just kill all the goblins? That should be easy enough..."

Iris deadpanned, "The scouts estimated that there were about ten thousand of them. Do you have any spells that could kill that many goblins? I dont think so! So we leave, wait for the goblins to leave, and then we come back."

The Count climbed out of his crate. "I'm afraid that they aren't likely to leave. Go back to living in little tents in the cold when they could live, even prosper in this town? No... I don't think they plan on leaving any time soon. Our leaving might be a good idea, however... After a visit to the armory. And do you think you could refrain from blowing it up until after we have all the stuff we want, Naruto? Most of it is rather heavily enchanted, not to mention high quality..."

Count Richard blinked as team 7 and Iruka dissapeared so fast they seemed to blur. A couple moments later, they were back. "Um... Where is the armory?"

xxx

Percival looked around the armory. No goblins that he could see...

Picking up a pair of large axes, Percival turned to the front door. The goblins would be here soon, and he'd be damned if he let any of those little blighters lay their hands on the riches of the Vargo Family!

Watching carefully, Percival cracked a smile when he saw the door start to open. "FOR TEA AND BUISCUTS!" He shouted, throwing the doors open and swinging an axe downward, lopping Sasuke's arm off. Blinking, Percival looked between Sasuke and the arm on the floor. "Uhm... Sorry my good chap, but there seems to have been a mix up. I was expecting screaming hordes of goblin warriors, not guests. Do come in..."

Sasuke stared at Percival. "You chopped my arm off."

Percival blinked. "Ah, well, it was an accident, so can you let it go this once?"

Sasuke's eyes were starting to glow gold as he picked his arm up and looked at it. "You chopped _my arm_ off."

Percival winced. "In all honesty, it _was_ an accident..."

"You _bastard_, you _chopped my arm off_!!!" Sasuke screamed, jumping at Percival and clubbing him with his arm. "I'm going to _fucking kill you!!!_"

Naruto pulled Sasuke back by his collar. "Come on, Sasuke, lighten up! You chopped my arm off a month ago, but do you see me complaining?"

Sasuke paused in his thashing and screaming. "That is a good point, but _I DON'T GIVE A SHIT! HE FUCKING CUT MY FUCKING ARM OFF!!!_ ow..."

Sasuke slumped forward as Naruto gave Iris back her hammer. "There. Iruka, patch him up, and lets hope he's a bit calmer when he wakes up. So, Count," Naruto probed, "Where would I find, say, some enchanted swords?"

Count Richard shrugged. "Follow me, I'm heading that way anyway. Everyone else, find what you want and assemble back up at the front. Oh, and someone wake up Sasuke. We might need him."

xxx

In the end, everyone got some fairly nice stuff. Naruto got a sword that burned anything organic that touched the blade, a leather cape enchanted with 'Strength of the Ogre', a pair of pants enchanted with 'featherweight', anklets enchanted with 'speed of eagles', and a cluster of five silver hoop earrings enchanted with, respectively, 'eyes of the tiger', 'eyes of the falcon', 'magesight', 'toungues', and 'snakebite', most of the enchantments being self-explanatory.

Sasuke requisitioned a Nodachi enchanted with 'Strength of the Ogre', a steel breastplate enchanted with 'Strength of the Ogre', steel shoulder-plates enchanted with 'Strength of the Ogre', steel bracers enchanted with 'Strength of the Ogre', steel gauntlets enchanted with 'Strength of the Ogre', steel greaves enchanted with 'Strength of the Ogre', steel boots enchanted with 'Strength of the Ogre', a headband enchanted with 'Strength of the Ogre', about twenty earrings enchanted with 'Strength of the Ogre', a jockstrap enchanted with 'Strength of the Ogre', a pinky ring enchanted with 'Strength of the Ogre', and a silver necklace with a pendant on it, each enchanted with 'Strength of the Ogre'. Yeah... some _really_ serious compensation issues going on there.

Sakura got a guitar that made her allies stronger while she played it, a pink leather corset, pink leather hotpants, and pink leather boots. Oh... And a pink leather thong.

Iruka took a shirt, a pair of pants, a pair of steel toed boots 'of kicking', and an adamantium warhammer 'of smashing' 'and crushing' 'and burning' 'with the Strength of the Ogre'. Maybe it was because he had a bad childhood? Who knows.

Iris took after Sakura in clothing choices (Much to her father's dismay), exept her stuff was black and enchanted with 'DOOM', which apparently stood for Divine Order Of Massacre, and gave a boost to strength, speed, and endurance, each comperable to 'Strength of the Ogre'. And she took an adimantium warhammer with little spikes on it.

Count Richard only took a shortsword, enchanted with 'venom'. He said it was all he needed, and nobody saw fit to argue.

Percival stuck with the two axes he had picked up, which were aparently enchanted with 'Vorpal', which essentially made them infinately sharp.

And now it was time to destroy the rest...

"You know," began Naruto, "It really seems a shame to destroy all this stuff when we could just use a locking spell on the door, keyed to the caster so that nobody can get in without his permission..."

Iruka bashed Naruto on the head with his old mace. "Idiot! Why didn't you tell us that before!"

"You never asked..."

Iruka breathed in deeply. "Okay, fine. Cast the spell and let's go."

Naruto began sweating. "Umm... It takes an hour or more to cast complicated magic like this. It's not like throwing a fireball, or even conjuring a lock. You have to actually send the room to a subdimension while keeping it, at the same time, right here. I only know how to do it in theory..."

Everyone else glared at him

"...So I'd better get some practice in while you fight off the goblins standing right behind you, huh?"

"Wha? Oh, shit!" "Oh dear..." "Where the fuck did they come from?!?"

xxx

In the end, Naruto managed to get the spell right in only three tries, and about three and a half hours, as his friends fought off wave after wave of goblins, goblins, and the ocasional goblin.

By this point, the goblins had apparently figured out that they were there and had been sending bigger and bigger waves to kill them. Naruto looked at his freinds tiring efforts, and threw an orb of destuction over their heads.

As the flames died down, Iruka cast a healing spell on everyone. They looked over the charred, blackened, smoking stones to what little remained of the goblins that had been attacking them.

Naruto started grinning madly. "I have at least five more of those left, now... Would you prefer to let us leave peacefully, or that we leave while fighting?"

The goblins looked at each other nervously. On the one hand, humans were an evil scourge on the earth. On the other, wher just moments ago there was roughly a hundred goblins there was now nothing but char and ash.

One of the goblins raised his head up from the huddle. "Uhh... won minit, metinks we might letcha go but we needsta talk wit our boss. Canya stay thar a minit? I be rite bak, real quick-quick. Seeya!"

The one goblin ran off down a tunnel. A few miniutes later he came back with a couple other goblins, one wearing a peculiar headdress made out of turkey feathers, and the other wearing only slightly rusty plate armor.

The little goblin nodded to them. "Hearsda bosses, Shaman Grug and Cheiftain Bulgurk, but I gotsta talk witcho for dem cause dey don't speak human, least na past 'dye filthay sunsa apeses'. I learnted human tho, idid from a nice-nice human shaman which were stayin wit us, tryda learn our language but cudin, cause youse humans toungses are to short-short, see?" He said, sticking his toungue out, revealing it to be as long as the goblin was tall. "Anywaze, Shaman Grug wuz interested bytha i-d-ya of humans which wanta par-ley, is why e came, and Cheiftain Bulgurk came so's ifn ya tried to get away from any greements, e could killya, but don worie, e won try less ya tryta get out of anytink. So anewaze, whydja side to par-lay insted of jest killinus?"

Naruto ran the goblins words through his head a few times before replying, "If we had tried getting out through all your troops, we would die, even if we took a shitload of them with us. But if we came to an arrangement to get out, we wouldn't even be particularly winded. And besides, if we get into a fight now I could just blow you all up with the spell I demonstrated earlier."

The little goblin paled a little bit, before hissing into the Shaman's ear. Shaman Grug looked suprised for a moment, before laughing a horrible hissing laugh. _**"So the humans show their untrustworthyness already. I suppose I should not be suprised at this- They are filthy furless apes, after all."**_

Naruto blinked. _**"I thought you said he couldn't speak human... oh wait, the 'earing of toungues'."**_

Shaman Grug looked at Naruto in suprise. _**"How can you speak our language? And I see no earring made out of toungues."**_

Naruto sweatdropped. _**"It's an enchanted earring that lets me speak any language, supposedly. I only aquired it very recently."**_

Sasuke looked back and forth between Naruto and Shaman Grug in confusion. "Um... Some help for those of us who didn't suddenly learn a language that should be impossible for anyone without a toungue three feet long to learn?"

Naruto looked at Sasuke. "Its the earring of toungues. Duh. And he just asked me how I could speak his language."

Sasuke sweatdropped. "Oh... gee. Now I feel stupid."

Naruto nodded. "As you should. _**And now, back onto the subject of us being 'filthy furless apes'..."**_

xxx

A.N.

Wow, this fic is a lot more popular than I expected it to be. Feel free to critique it as you will.


	4. Chapter 4

xxx

Dungeon Crawler

xxx

Sarutobi looked down at the board in worry. Roughly ten thousand goblins had swept over the city Naruto and his team had stopped in, and the children and Iruka were holed up in the castle. Sighing, he tapped on Kakashi's shoulder.

"Kakashi- I have a mission for you. Make yourself a character."

Kakashi paled. "Wha? Hokage-sama, surely you dont mean..."

"I mean what I mean," the Hokage replied sourly. "You're going after them. Now hurry up before I make you a gnomish prostitute!"

Kakashi's already pale face was now chalky white. "Sir yes sir!"

xxx

The hostile negotiations were almost finished. Naruto had shown a remarkable ability in the area of diplomacy, and would probably have managed to persuade the goblins to pay them a tithe for leaving them be if it hadn't been for the drow that appeared in a flash of lightning. Dressed completely in a suit of spikey black armor, he pointed towards the goblins with a silvery saber as his spikey white hair blew in a nonexistent wind.

"Pitiful creatures, mocking humanity with your very appearance- Prepare to die!"

Naruto blinked as the drow... Paladin? tore through the goblins like damp toilet paper. As the last fell, Naruto resisted the urge to palm his face. "Oh boy," he muttered. "Now we're in for it."

The drow looked over the group. Shoulders sagging in relief, he sighed. "Thank Malar, you're all safe." He paused as he saw the Count and his daughter, before thinking up a cover story. "...Our leader sent me to keep you safe in your search for the relic. I think we should talk... Away from the outsiders."

Naruto shook his head. "Maybe later. Now that you killed our get out of jail free card, we have to get out of here the hard way. Sakura, tak reargaurd. Sasuke, Drow-guy, spearhead. Lets get gone!"

As they left, a goblin Kakashi hadn't quite killed stirred. Sitting up, it looked over its fallen companions and laughed, before turning and rushing to tell one of the Underchiefs. The post of High Cheiftain and Shaman were free.

xxx

Several hours later, the group had made it into the surrounding forest. Sasuke led them all into an evil lair he had emptied of cultists the other day, shrugging and suggesting that they avoided the cellar where he had piled the bodies.

Sitting in what was either a dining hall or a Dark Council Room (TM), team seven looked expectantly at the Drow, who looked back. After a few moments, Sasuke broke the silence. "So... Uh... Who are you?"

The Drow's eyes glazed over. "I... I am the one who protects mankind from the shadows. I am the one who walks in the darkness so the innocent never have to feel its corruption. I am the Shadow's Knight, Kakashi."

xxx

Sarutobi chuckled malevolently. He knew giving Kakashi a penchant for flowery speeches as a punishment for taking too long and giving himself an arrogant title would be amusing. Now he just had to persuade Gai to enter the game too, and his revenge would be complete!

xxx

AN- Said I would continue it, didnt I.

Anyway, the whole ShadowKnight Kakashi popped into my head out of nowhere just a little while before I wrote this. And just offhand, I'm starting two voting things.

1- what angle would be better- the characters going for world domination, or as benevolent heroes? Just thought I would ask, even though everyone knows evil is better. We get free cookies.

2- Should I put the rest of the rookie nine and team Gai in? If I should, there are a few sub-polls-

A-Should I turn the teachers into a sentai team, with Kakashi being the SailorMoon-esque hero?

A2- If so, should their students be forced into some embarassing name that follows their teachers sentai name? Aka team Gai turning into the Emerald Order, with Gai being the Emerald Knight... stuff like that.

A3- What names should the teachers get?

B-What should the classes/races be?

C-who else should I put in?

and please, remember to review!


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